The Gifts Of Aging

 

“What has aging brought you?” was one of the writing prompt questions this week in an email subscription.

Bemoaning the losses that come with aging is easy, but the gifts are there, waiting for you as you enter that secret club. Look, they say, these are for you, unwrap the fancy, outer packaging, and see what lies inside.

So, what have the gifts of aging been for me?

·       A clearer understanding of who I am. When you’re younger, a lot of society’s expectations are heaped upon you: Get an education, make a career for yourself, find a good husband, have children, run a household. In other words, do it all, and do it all well. And also, look marvelous while juggling these things, and be careful not to let yourself go.

But, in those days (I’m talking about when I was young, not so much these days, when women are much more self-aware of the ridiculous demands placed on them), there was very little emphasis (none) on paying attention to yourself, because if you did, you were deemed ‘selfish’.

But once you’re older and have had your career, raised your family, you can let go of the expectations and be much more self-aware and self-indulgent (as opposed to selfish). There’s a wonderful freedom in not having anything expected of you, other than that which you choose to place upon yourself.

·       A great deal less concern of what others think of you. It’s never eliminated altogether (such being human nature and the ego) but it is curtailed and limited primarily to those whose opinions matter to you, those you care about and respect. And what the rest of the world thinks? It matters so much less.

·       Perspective. I think this is really the over-arching gift of aging that allows you to see things more clearly, to realize and understand and hone in on what matters, what doesn’t. And it keeps changing and evolving.

What has aging given me? In a word: freedom. Freedom to be more me, to go deeper in reflecting on how to live, now and in the future.

At a lunch this week with two women from my writing group, we were discussing how we lacked the ‘genes’ of what women in their generation (they’re more than a decade older than I) were expected to have. The oldest in our trio, having lived through WWII, said she’d never had any interest in cooking, sewing, gardening, baking. None of the so-called ‘skills’ of women in her generation. Instead, she’d always been interested in education (and founded her own school).

I, too, lack the interest and skills in those things. I’ve never been drawn to the things women in my own generation were also supposed to be good at (similar to those above). And in my circle of friends, I was frequently teased (gently) for not being an accomplished cook or able to produce the kinds of cultural dishes my mother and their mothers and they made. When I had a baby, I think my friends wondered how I would manage. But I did. Mothering was an instinct, although I made many mistakes. Which all parents do. Nevertheless, I raised a wonderful daughter.

But then, when she left home, and my parental and domestic responsibilities lessened considerably, I gradually shed most of the things I had little interest in doing well (still doing what was necessary) and took up activities that interested me.  It’s a stage when we are able to challenge previously held beliefs and now have enough strength and resilience to do things differently.

What are the gifts of aging? More than anything, I think it is the freedom to be yourself.

***

A book I recently read:

A REAL SOMEBODY by DERYN COLLIER. The novel is set in Montreal, in 1947 and is based on the true story of the author’s great-aunt, June Grant, who, in later years (not covered in the book), was on CBC radio. Being a CBC radio fan, I was most curious about this and looked up June Grant, who wrote essays for The Sunday Edition. Collier was given Grant’s papers and archives when Grant died and this novel is her way of finishing her great-aunt’s story, one she started but never completed. What a gift!

June Grant dares to be an independent young woman in a time when young women were expected to have only a minor job (in the steno pool) before landing a husband and settling into the traditional role of wife and mother. Instead, Grant wants to be a copywriter in the advertising firm where she works, a position held only by men.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and the glimpses into women’s lives in Montreal in the 1940’s where June is a woman before her time.

“I kept thinking about how quickly I kept outgrowing books, for example. What would happen if I came to the last page of a husband?” June Grant on CBC’s The Sunday Edition October 2001.

What indeed! I think June and I would have made great friends.