End Of Year Musings: On Friendships

 

As the year comes to a close, we undoubtedly find ourselves sorting and sifting through the events of the past twelve months. What worked, what didn’t? What brought us joy, sadness, laughter, happiness? What do we want to take with us into the new year and what do we want to leave behind? Sometimes what we want to take with us or leave behind . . . are people.

In my last online writing zoom group, we were reading our pieces and discussing friendships. I have a few that go back over 50 years. That is quite something and to be treasured. Women’s friendships are precious, especially as we get older, and, as I wrote for my group:

“Society puts a lot of emphasis on romantic relationships and family ties, and much less on the friendships between women, often reducing them to girls’ nights out. But it is these friendships that quietly sustain and nourish us, humming along as a connecting thread in our lives, and we do ourselves a disservice if we don’t see them as a vital part of our lives, deserving of our precious time.”

There are some friendships we let go, because time and distance or changing circumstances make them no longer viable. And sometimes we change, or they change, and the friendship no longer works. Human relationships, including friendships, are complicated things.

In her recent blog post, Helen wrote about intimate strangers. And I love this phrase, because, in my online group, these women are indeed intimate strangers. We share a lot of our deeper selves with each other, and yet we’ve never met. I treasure these women, they’ve become an important part of my twice-a-month routine, and yet we’ve never sat down together to enjoy a meal, never taken a walk together, never been inside each other’s homes except for what we glimpse behind them on the screen.

How do we decide which friendships to hold onto and which to let go of? How do we become better friends with those we want to keep? As with other relationships and decisions in life, this needs to be intentional.

When I think back to friendships of the past, those that are no longer in my life today, I can understand why some of them didn’t go the distance. I don’t need or want a lot of friends in my life, only a few that mean something deeper than merely getting together for a good time or to catch up or to pass time with or engage in some activity. Friendships may start off by having something in common, something you both enjoy doing, but that’s not what makes them go deeper.

Friendship goes beyond surface-level conversations and interactions. What I also wrote for my group about one of my longtime friendships “. . . there is an essence of ourselves we feel is understood by the other; that we can be ourselves, express our thoughts and emotions, even the ones we fear might sound petty or trivial, and know we won’t be judged.”  We can also belly laugh together, and a good belly laugh should never be underestimated.

I’m not one for bouncing platitudes back and forth between friends, which may sometimes make me feel or come across as socially inept. But, I do like to listen, and have been told I’m a good listener.

 “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully.” — Ernest Hemingway. 

In a world where everyone is clamouring to be heard, maybe better listening is something to strive for, something that will make us better friends to each other.

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Recently Read:

A Little Less Broken by Marian Schembari

“Each sense an open window during a hurricane” 

I loved this memoir, and it taught me a lot about something I knew next to nothing about: how autistic people process the world; how sounds can be physically painful, triggering rage; how autism can look different especially in females vs. males.

We often interpret others actions and reactions relative to our own baseline, but what if they are neurodivergent in ways that are not immediately obvious to us?

After years of knowing she’s unlike everyone else, doesn’t fit in, can’t make friends, being called overly sensitive, Schembari finally, at 34, finds out she is autistic and not broken.