WOMEN WALKING; DEEP LISTENING

 

WOMEN WALKING

One fine October day this month, I merged onto the highway in anticipation of the hours ahead: a hike in a conservation area an hour north with three other women. A few years older than me, they had been the close circle of my sister who died seventeen years ago.

“I’m here,” I texted after pulling into the parking lot, “and heading to the bathroom”, which the gatekeeper said had just been cleaned. Clean bathrooms on a hike should never ever be passed up, especially if you’re over sixty and have had a morning coffee (or two).

They arrived as I exited the bathroom and hugs all round ensued, our usual way of greeting when we saw each other every few months. The trail with looming trees just beginning to turn gold, orange, and red beckoned as we hoisted our day-packs (filled with healthy but tasty snacks) and set off.

The path was an eight-kilometer loop around the lake and as we stopped at the initial fork, the mandatory discussion sparked about which way we should go because hikers (especially four older opinionated women) love to debate these minute details of whether the sun should be on our faces or backs. The chilly morning, ideal for walking, cemented the decision to have the sun on our faces (shaded by hats because no matter if you are in your sixties or seventies, skin damage is not something to be trifled with).

As we walked, discussed life, stopped for pictures and snacks, laughed, teased, admired the beauty around us, I felt the same ease and comfort I always experience in the company of women who are genuine and not performing. I was grateful that, despite being the group newbie (this was my older sister’s cohort) I was never made to feel I didn’t belong.

Passing male cyclists in form-fitting lycra (we obligingly stepped aside) may have dismissed us as a gaggle of chatty old broads. But women understand the quiet power and enrichment in walking and talking.

DEEP LISTENING

Because I want to try some new kind of learning, I signed up for a webinar on Deep Listening by Emily Kasriel who has published a book on this topic (I haven’t yet read the book).

The majority of us have, at some point, maybe several times, been engaged in conversations where we sense the other person is not really listening but waiting for a tiny lull to jump in and blurt the words that have been forming in their minds whilst we were speaking. Or perhaps the reverse is true, and we are the ones who have been only half-listening, anticipating our opportunity to impart our pearls of wisdom or our experiences which surely tops theirs.

Kasriel spoke about how to deep listen in conversations that matter. She said we don’t have to agree with the speaker, but we must build the trust in which they can feel safe to share without becoming defensive. In her book she outlines the eight steps to deep listening. These don’t necessarily apply to all conversations. Below is what I noted down, paraphrased and interspersed with some of my own thoughts:

1.     Create the space for the conversations that DO matter where there is something at stake, like an ongoing relationship or friendship.

2.     Listen to yourself first – be aware of when you are interrupting; take the time to think about what you really want from the conversation.

3.     Be Present – these days, the phone is always there, a silent or not-so-silent intrusion. Even the mere sight of it takes away energy; it is a waiting distraction – an incoming text, call, request to pick up something on the way home. Put the phone away.

4.     Be Curious and do this beyond the script. Something she said which struck me:  we often feel that by asking a question we are showing our interest, but in fact it might mean we are then taking control of the conversation and steering it.

5.     Hold the Gaze. Kasriel said that direct face-to-face is not the ideal position, but rather, sitting at a sixty-degree angle. Face to face can be too intense, and if your gaze wanders, then the other will assume you’re not listening and will repeat themselves. In my own experience too there’s truth to deeper conversations evolving when you’re not facing each other, but walking, facing forward.

6.     Hold the Silence. Don’t we all try to jump in and fill uncomfortable moments of silence? She says use the silence to make sense of what the speaker has said.

7.     Reflect Back – with honesty and authenticity. Trust yourself to understand, without judgement, and try to reflect that understanding back with… ‘it was like ….?” Of course, we can never fully understand what another person is going through and we shouldn’t pretend that we do.

8.     Go Deeper. Kasriel says the ‘third ear’ is in the heart, and by using it we can understand the speaker’s needs and values.

In the Q&A period that followed, one person asked what to do when the other picks up their phone during a conversation. Kasriel said to be upfront and honest and ask: ‘Why are you choosing to look at your phone right now?’ Ooof – could you say that? I know I’ve wanted to ask that question sometimes but have never dared. Another person asked: ‘How do you not interrupt when you are bored?” Also something that has occurred to me. But here Kasriel said to ask yourself if you’re in fact feeling uncomfortable with the conversation.

Can we honestly say we use those eight steps when we listen to another in a conversation that matters? I know I don’t. And these days, in a world where everyone wants to be heard, there is so much less listening going on. Is listening a lost art and can it be revived?