The Paradoxes of June

 

A random blog of thoughts and questions, triggered by books, podcasts, conversations, and my own internal monologue. It seems June is a month for random ruminations, because I wrote this June blog two years ago and this one four years ago.

• I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I had mentioned something about the past, and she said, “Why are you going back to the past? Forget about it.” And in the moment, I laughed and shrugged it off, but then it got me thinking.
  

•  Sure, the past can be left behind, but only after we’ve examined and learned from it. Because it is the past that teaches us, our past actions predict our future behaviour, unless we’ve made a conscious effort to change it. It is the call to hastily ‘forgive and forget’ or ‘leave the past behind’ that does us a disservice, fails to teach us the lessons we need to learn. How can we understand ourselves if we don’t reflect on our past actions? The paradoxes of living: to learn or to let go or, better yet, do both.

•  I was listening to a podcast the other day where they talked about the paradoxes of living, how you must have gritty faith but also gritty realism. You can’t allow your confidence in your ability to handle a situation make you oblivious to facing the facts of the situation. I started to think about my own circumstances (as well as those of friends, because it’s hard not to), and wondered if I had a habit of constantly tipping to one side, either on the side of faith in myself or pragmatism about the facts.
  

•  Do you find yourself asking yourself: What is it I really want to do and what are the paradoxes in how I live that won’t get me there? I ask myself that (often enough), and the answers are always more or less the same: write, travel, read, wander, try and make sense of everything (my life, the world around me). And yet… I stall, allowing distractions, even welcoming them.

• One of my goals at this stage is to be healthy and strong as I age, but I find myself rushing through my workout routines, cutting them short. I know in doing this I am short-changing myself. And yet I always want to get past it, to the end of the workout, the end of the household chore, and onto the things that bring me joy and satisfaction. But why not try and find satisfaction (even joy?) in the actual routine or chore? We will only miss the daily everyday tasks that we now find tedious when they are taken away from us by something unexpected or life-altering. So, I keep telling myself, enjoy the clean-up, folding laundry, lifting weights. But I’m not there yet, maybe never will be.
  

• There are times I feel unwilling to commit to a certain direction, because it feels good right here, in the now, and why change course. I’m not opposed to stepping out of my comfort zone, I do it frequently – travelling solo, going solo to events that interest me, even this blog (exposing my inner world). But there are some things I still balk at, and these are usually of the ‘might expose me too much’ variety. Like publishing a novel, or my travel-and-midlife-coming-of-age memoir. And even for travel – do I want to commit to a group, to a schedule, to, heavens, sharing a room with a stranger?

• In trying to understand difficulties friends are going through: do we have to try and take on another person’s feelings to be compassionate? Or is it better to reach out, listen, but don't try to feel their pain or struggles? I’m the type who will listen, but I cannot pretend to understand what the other is feeling, nor will I claim that I do. And can you be a good friend but also be honest (to the point of scolding) about decisions they are making when you see how it is (in your opinion) negatively affecting their mental and physical well-being?

What is it about June that raises more questions than answers?