On Being An Introvert
'In a gentle way, you can shake the world.' Mahatma
Gandhi
I’ve known for quite some time that I’m an introvert. The
definition, as you know, of introverts vs. extroverts is that introverts need
quiet, alone time to re-charge, while extroverts get inspiration and energy
from being with others. Of course, everyone is on varying degrees of that
spectrum.
Many introverts are labelled shy, as was I as a child. (I really hated being slapped with labels; the two that clung to me were: shy and stubborn, the latter being accurate). While I may be introverted and reserved, I’m not shy. I read the book – Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking – a while back, and although I don’t remember many details, I do know that while reading it, much of it resonated with me. I felt my personality type was understood.
Last weekend I went to a milestone anniversary party for a childhood friend, hosted by her three adult sons and their partners. I’ve known the couple since the beginnings of their relationship, in their early teens. Getting dressed, sitting at a beautifully-laid table, dancing, spending the night in a hotel room, was a first for me in over two years. As was going to bed very, very late! I even gave a little speech at the party (not shy!). It was wonderful to connect with old friends, laugh, talk, and reminisce. Plans were then made to meet up the following weekend at a pub for an evening of live music, dancing, and another overnight. I hesitated (knowing my limits), but agreed.
 |
| Old dress, still young inside |
But the next day, back at home, I knew I could not. Such
is the dilemma of introverts. We need periods of quiet and solitude in between
social events. The amount of recuperating seclusion required is in direct
correlation to the number of people, duration and stimulation of the prior event.
Don’t get me wrong – when I go to these gatherings with friends, I enjoy myself
immensely. But in order to do so –to both give of myself and receive from
others – I need to have those long periods of solitude in between.
So when my friends texted to confirm plans for the
following weekend, I had to be honest. I said I needed to retreat to my cave
for a bit and would be ready for the next social event the following month, but
not that weekend, much as I loved them. It was not them, it was me. They
understood. Such is the value of long-standing friendships: the knowing and
acceptance of who you are, without judgement.
Some extroverts may be baffled by this, this reluctance
to get out socializing again after two years of being in a pandemic. Introverts
will understand. In a way, the pandemic has been good for us, allowing extended
periods of solitude to ignite our creativity, allow us to withdraw and not have
to refuse invitations or come up with excuses. (Btw, I’m done with excuses. I
am who I am).
Extroverts who live with introverts might understand.
After all, it’s a dance of compromise that they have to manage on an ongoing
basis. I often wonder how they do that. It must take a lot of understanding and
open communication.
The book (Quiet) describes how the world values
extroverts over introverts, with an extrovert personality being the most
desired. You know all those brainstorming sessions at work, where you’re
supposed to throw out ideas to a large group? Those methods don’t work for
introverts who prefer working quietly in order to think, analyze, process.
Extroverts are the perfect guests at a party, the
life-of-the-party types, always with a good story or joke to share, while the
introvert does much better in a small group (2 to 4 people being ideal). We’re pretty useless at small talk and
chit-chat. Does an introvert like me wish we had more of an extrovert
personality? Sometimes, maybe. For about 5 minutes. But all that talking,
stimulation, and being ‘on’ all the time must be so exhausting.
Introverts prefer to listen and observe, and yes,
sometimes we are judging you. Don’t take it personally. It’s just a result of
all the contemplation and internalizing that goes on in our minds while we are
listening. It’s not you, it’s us.
 |
| Even a bird needs to sit apart from its tribe every now and then |
P.S. I’ve tested myself twice since the party, just to be sure I wasn’t going to be a spreader. This is the new social dilemma of what’s right, what’s not, given the opening up. Both tests negative.
Comments
Post a Comment