How To Socialize. . . Or Not

 

We’ve heard about the benefits to one’s physical and mental health of socializing, especially as one ages; that we are social creatures, and interactions, however minor, can be vital to our well-being.

But not all socializing is equal, and how do introverts find that beneficial type of socializing whilst avoiding the draining kind that sends us scurrying back to our lairs for days of solitude and recuperation?

It was an eventful week, filled with social events, which is unusual for me. At most I can handle a day or two, spaced out with intervals, and then I need to retreat to re-energize myself. It’s not that I don’t enjoy getting together with friends and family. I do. But an abundance of mixing and mingling can be exhausting, and not just physically.

I pondered my socializing over the past week, and which parts of it truly fed me in the ways the experts advocate. I came to some realizations, obvious and not earth-shattering, but I’m trying to be more intentional in how I spend my time and who I spend it with. Quick fixes of a garden-variety type of social interaction are not for me, I know this.

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At a luncheon party in a beautiful backyard, where I had not met the host until I arrived, nor did I know many of the other guests, I was charmed by the generosity of the host. She threw a surprise birthday party for a close friend (who I play tennis with regularly) and sought out this friend’s friends to include in the celebration and invited us, sight unseen, into her home.

The people at this party were upwards of 60, one gentleman was 92, and all exuded a vitality and appreciation of life. The deep connections and affection between the birthday woman and her close circle were apparent. One aspect of this gathering that really stood out was the complete lack of artifice present. I noticed that I noticed the absence of that (artifice), and knew that in other social situations, on some level, I feel and recognize the presence of it. Did the average age of the group have something to do with this? Had they shed outer layers and arrived at truer versions of themselves with no need to prove anything to anyone?

It is the presence of façade and performance, of people talking to impress others, of one-upmanship, of talking without listening, where any pause in a conversation is an opportunity to swiftly turn the conversation back to oneself – these are the elements of socializing I find depleting and that I’d rather do without.

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An outing to the Art Gallery in Toronto, followed by a meal around a table with plenty of laughter but also, since we had some shared history, discussions about what part of our culture and mothers’ ways we carry with us: do we take on the same responsibilities and burdens that our mothers did? Or have we shed some of those? (Answer: yes we have). Are some tasks performed out of a sense of duty to fulfill expectations, or because we truly want to lighten another’s load? (Answer: varied). We had the kind of conversations and questioning that are stimulating and invigorating, a boost to mental health.

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I attended a small theatre production where the play (Talking With by Jane Martin) consisted of several monologues by women. Each monologue was about some aspect of being female. Each monologue was layered, going deeper, taking a sudden turn, revealing vulnerability, pain, a struggle in life and a coping mechanism. The stories were personal but also universal. There was so much to take in and ponder, at times it felt like too much, and yet thought-provoking, weird, and wonderful.

The three of us who attended sat on a patio afterwards to discuss what we’d seen and heard. And as is always the case with these women, the conversation meandered and went deeper, pulling apart and questioning how we behave and why; the simmering undercurrent of rage that seems to be everywhere; and what is it about Woke that makes many people feel uncomfortable?

When I returned home, it reaffirmed for me that this kind of socializing, with deep conversations about thoughts, ideas, and behaviours, are not draining.

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One might wonder why introverts find large gatherings wearying when they’re not talking much or outwardly contributing, so what’s so tiring about that? But what many do not understand is that introverts are taking in a lot of sensory stimulation. They are the listeners, the observers, taking in words as well as non-verbal cues and gestures, parsing it all internally.

How does an introvert socialize and reap the benefits of socializing without becoming overwhelmed or depleted? It helps to be deliberate in choosing quality, and never mind the quantity.