May Moments

 

May has always been an eventful and special kind of month with many markers:

• ·       Mother’s Day
• ·       Three birthdays in the family (including my own);
• ·       Anniversary of arriving in Canada (a day forever etched in my brain: May 7^th, )
• ·       A month of potential glorious walking weather, not too hot, not too cold
• ·       First opportunities to sit out on a patio or balcony.
• ·       Trilliums carpeting the forest floor.
• ·       Windows open during the night, awaking to birds chirping in the morning.

May is the month for memories and small moments, for topping up your joy tank.

I began the month with an early morning walk, before the days of rain began, pondering the restlessness I was feeling within. What was at the core of that? I had a partial answer: I wanted to travel again, to wander and explore, to feel that thrill of excitement laced with anxiety upon arrival in a new place – how do I navigate this? Who am I here in this foreign environment? Yet I’ve been reluctant to commit to booking a trip.

“I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills” - Wordsworth

On social media, I’ve seen posts about movements in May, some form of stating who you are today (which may not be who you are tomorrow). We are always changing. So, here goes.

Today I am:

• ·       Restless - eager to pack a bag and wander
• ·       Conflicted - wanting to stay where my heart is (home), wanting to wander (abroad)
• ·       Curious – to discover what most fills my joy tank this month
• ·       Writing – both fiction and non-fiction
• ·       Looking - out the window, at floating clouds, seeing patterns form, change, merge, become something new
• ·       Wondering – if it’s okay to be content, sitting here looking out
• ·       Questioning – if I can ever say, with a straight face, ‘I’m a writer’; no twisted mouth, no attempt to downplay the statement
• ·       Aging – every single day, reveling in the freedom it encompasses while also bemoaning the losses
• ·       Missing – being in the company of a close friend
• ·       Relishing – the luxury of free time
• ·       Anticipating – going to the local theater in the company of two good women, dinner to follow

Can all those things co-exist?

The other day, I ran into a neighbour who I’ve only ever spoken to briefly in passing in the elevator or lobby. She invited me for a cup of tea. I found out that her 90+ mother passed away two years ago, during the pandemic. Her mother lived with her, and my neighbour still misses her immensely every day. She said to me, “But it’s okay. They do their job, then they leave.” I thought about my own parents who did their job, then left. And one day, I too will leave, and will I have done here what I was supposed to do? And then my neighbour said, “I enjoy being alone, but I also very much enjoy being with people.”

Two contradictory statements which I found interesting: To enjoy being a solitary person; to enjoy being a social person. We usually define ourselves as one or the other. She defined herself as both.

So, perhaps Today I can be all of those things above and tomorrow I might be none of those, but also something new. And that’s the beauty of it.

P.S. After writing this, I booked a flight to Scotland for next month. A-wandering I will go.