“Hell is—other people”

 We think we know how we would act in certain situations, whether we would speak up or stay silent. But do we, really?

Recently, I went to my condo pool for a brief afternoon swim. The building cleaning lady, N, was going into the pool area the same time I was, and as we entered, we saw a young boy playing in the shallow end, all alone.

N and I looked at each other in alarm. I swam up to the boy and asked how old he was and where his parents were. He said he was seven and his dad was in the sauna. I told him to tell his dad he shouldn’t be left alone in the pool; it was not safe. To which the young boy replied, “I have goggles. I know how to swim.”

I did my laps while N mopped the floors, both of us keeping a puzzled eye on the boy. After about twenty to thirty minutes, with my laps done, I consulted N who said she still needed to be there and would remain until the boy’s dad emerged.

As I was heading into the women’s change area, the men’s changeroom door opened and a man popped his head out, glanced quickly at the pool, and swiftly retreated behind the door before I could say anything.

To say I was astounded and angry would be an understatement. What makes someone behave so stupidly and recklessly? N said she would report the incident to the building management office.

A day or two later, I saw the same kid in the gym, sitting on a couple of risers, playing with an electronic device, the volume turned up. His dad was blasting around the gym from one piece of equipment to another, slamming down free weights with loud, explosive grunts, having a conversation on speaker phone, strutting around as if he owned the place, leaving the discs on equipment he’d moved on from. My hackles rose and I shortened my workout, unable to bear being in the same room with this man. I wasn’t going to say anything to him with his son present. I could imagine what his response would be, something along the lines of telling me to mind my own business and f*** off.

Did I prejudge what his response might be? Perhaps, but I doubt if I was far off. In today’s world, people’s bad behaviour is quick to be recorded or photographed and called out on social media. Are we getting more intolerant of others’ lack of consideration in public places? Some would argue it is not our job to point out how people should behave or parent or care for their kids. But when their child is in possible danger, I would say we need to speak up. But how? When? Not in front of their kids, would be my view.

When I think back to those two incidents, I wonder if I did the right thing. Should I have said something? Short of barging into the men’s changeroom at the pool, there was no way to speak to the father privately. At the gym, I could sense the stream of testosterone emanating from the guy and had no wish to engage with him. I think every woman will understand my reluctance to confront a man who is so obviously displaying his arrogance, strength, and disdain for the presence of others.

But what if he continues with his irresponsible style of parenting? There are clearly posted signs about not leaving children under a certain age unattended at the pool, not having loud conversations on the phone in the gym etc. But there are always those who think those rules don’t apply to them. Are we, as a society, simply becoming more boorish and discourteous? Or am I just becoming an old lady who is getting increasingly annoyed by others’ lack of commonsense and manners?

Where child safety is concerned, there is only one right answer. But people’s behaviour in public spaces is becoming a pet peeve of mine, and it never used to be that way. Neither the behaviour nor my observation and irritation at its abundance.

Jean-Paul Sartre famously said, “Hell is—other people!”  Interpretations of this tell us that it doesn’t simply mean that being around other people is torture. Instead, we’re told, what he meant was that being in the presence of other people, the acts of observing and being observed, maybe judging and being judged, can alter our experience of a situation. It can be frustrating to know there are factors and behaviours out of our control. I would argue, though, that sometimes it really does warrant the most obvious interpretation.

RECENTLY READ

I SEE YOU’VE CALLED IN DEAD – JOHN KENNEY

With a title like that, how can you not pick up this book? Can a story about an obituary writer who posts his own obituary in a drunken haze and goes to strangers’ funerals, be funny and wise and witty and poignant all at the same time? Yes, it can and this one does.

I loved this book so much. It’s about death, yes, but it’s also about life, and the most tender of friendships, the absurdity of how we live our lives as if we’re never going to die. Everyone else, yes, but not us. It’s laugh-out-loud funny without being disrespectful, touching without being maudlin, thoughtful without being preachy, clever without being sarcastic.

It’s “what death dares us to do, is celebrate it. To celebrate the gift of life in its fleeting face.”

It’s “we are all obituary writers because we get to write our life every day. Write it. Please. It’s your life.”