Seasoned Voices: Questions We Ask Ourselves…and Each Other

In my Seasoned Voices blogging network group, we were discussing how we would answer certain questions about some topics that keep coming up as we age. We thought we would select two or three similar questions on the topic of friendships, the company of women, and our “someday” dreams, and answer them on our blogs. Maybe something will resonate with you, dear reader. As of posting this, I don’t know how my fellow bloggers have answered/will answer these.

Q: How have your friendships changed and evolved in this stage of your life and what do these friendships reveal about you? How do you decide which ones to hold onto and nurture, and which ones to let go?

 A. As an older woman, living solo, my friendships mean a great deal. Not all these friendships are what one would call “close” friendships, but nonetheless, they’re valuable to me.

I’ve been drawn more and more to a solitary life with women as my friends, my network and support group, my play companions, my sounding boards, my reading and writing cohorts. One of my closest friends lives thousands of miles away, and yet we make our friendship work with frequent zoom chats.

I’ve experienced friendships that have drifted away into nothingness because of distance or different mindsets or values. I found it hard to admit to a couple of those being done, past their due date. But like trains or buses, there are some people who need to get off at an earlier stop (can’t take credit for that metaphor, I heard it somewhere), and I needed to be okay with that.

I’ve become more discerning in my friendships and the company I keep. I’m not enthusiastic about spending time just for the sake of having a good time and a few laughs, although those are important. Don’t underestimate a good belly laugh.

But I want my friendships and relationships to have substance. I don’t want to just talk about recent purchases, or plans for redecorating, or the price of groceries (exorbitant). “Aches and pains” and health is now often an unavoidable topic of conversation, but when I’m with women of substance, these are spoken about in a sharing of information kind of way, and not in a “my-pain-tops-yours” kind of way.

The phrase “catch-up” often makes me cringe when it’s suggested as a reason, albeit well-intentioned, for getting together. Because “catch-up” can often translate into: I’m going to tell you all about my life at a surface level, and then you tell me about yours, and then the next person and the next, and you’re lucky if someone doesn’t interrupt you to top your story or steer it back to themselves.

I’m much more interested in a discussion, be it about politics or sports, writing or books, the latest fitness or protein fix, or how social media is ruining our minds with the constant grab for our attention with its divisive “content”. I’m fine with differing opinions on a topic and enjoy a healthy, respectful discussion. Friendships should be able to bear the weight of disagreements.

I do try to reach out to friends who I’m not in regular contact with to maintain the friendship because I think it’s important to do that. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m the only one reaching out, and if they valued the connection, they would too. But then I ask myself: Does it matter? Is this a connection you want to hold on to and if so, does it matter who does the reaching out?

Then there are the friendships which appear to be half-heartedly hanging on, and yet you’re reluctant to let them go, because at one point they meant something and maybe they still can, and there’s hope. I’m hesitant to give up on friendships, it’s more likely they will give up on me first.

Not all my friendships run deep, but they’re satisfying and important. Someone once said to me that she made friends more easily with men than with women, and I didn’t know how to respond. It’s not something I can relate to.

In midlife (and hopefully before), you understand how valuable women’s friendships are. Women who’ve lived a few years and then some have a strong undercurrent of understanding, strength, and compassion for each other, a strong bond and experience that resonates, a willingness to share truth and vulnerability.

Those friendships that I had to let go of (or rather, they let go of me) I now realize had run their course, for them as well as for me. They were often based on them unloading their troubles onto me, a sounding board, and me trying to impart some unsolicited advice (never a good idea) because it was so painfully obvious they were chasing things and people that weren’t worth their time. Unsolicited advice is never a good response, especially when it’s something the other is not ready to hear or acknowledge. Sometimes, I can’t help myself, especially when it’s so apparent. But there’s one friendship whose ending I still occasionally puzzle over, because I considered it a friendship of substance.

What does this all reveal about me? I think I’m a loyal friend and a good listener and I do value the company of women. But I don’t dish out platitudes and good vibes just because that's the expectation. And I’m crap at small talk.

 

Q. What dreams have you let go of and which ones are you still nurturing? What would you do right now, this year, to make those dreams come true?

 

A. This is a tough one, because I think my dreams have changed over time, as they should. I read a quote once that said something like, “Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”

And isn’t that true? We tend to hold on to the perceptions we had of ourselves. I no longer want to do big things in the world or prove myself in some way. My dreams have changed in smaller, more focused ways, in different spheres, mainly of the creative and exploratory variety.

The “someday I want to write a book” is no longer true because I have written a book. In fact, more than one, and hopefully they will be shared with the world soon.

Someday, I would love to get together with my online reading and writing friends in a cozy lodge and share, in person, our thoughts and ideas, our opinions and laughter, wine and food, good books and long walks.

Someday, I would love to fly business or first-class in a lie-flat bed. Yes, it’s a small, materialistic thing to want, but means so much as one gets older. When I fly across the Atlantic, I always arrive sleep-deprived, stiff, achy, foggy-headed and in desperate need of a bed. I’d love, for once, to walk off an overnight flight refreshed, feeling like I’ve had a decent night’s sleep and ready to explore a new city rather than fumble my way to my lodging and crash into a bed.

Yes, I suppose I could splurge, but if I do it once, I will never want to fly economy again. You often hear women say “we deserve it” to justify an extravagance or taking time for themselves away from their responsibilities. But why do we/they feel the need to say that? You don’t hear men say that, do you?

Someday, I’d love to do another camino of sorts, a slow, unhurried walk from town to town, village to village. But I’m not sure my feet would hold up now. My legs, yes. My feet, no.

Someday, I’d love to attend a tennis grand slam event, but for now, not the U.S. Open (for obvious reasons). And not the Australian (too far, would require that business class ticket). So that leaves the French or Wimbledon. Someday.

Someday, I’d love to see my art hanging in a small gallery or café or someone’s home (other than my family who’ve had my art forced onto them).

Someday my someday will turn into today.

 

Q. What happens in the company of women that cannot happen anywhere else and what do you like best about yourself, others, when that happens?

 

A. This relates to the first question in some way. When women get together they often tap into a frequency that simply does not happen when there are men in the mix. Women will share their deeper, more vulnerable selves and be less afraid of judgment. Of course, it depends on the women they’re with and if they feel safe with them. But when women are aligned, they do not have the fear of their conversation being deemed trivial or less-than, simply because men might consider the topic frivolous or “too girly” or lacking seriousness.

I like that, in the company of women, we can go from silliness to seriousness in the matter of minutes, often in the same sentence. We can be having a deep conversation and then someone will see the lighter side of a topic, and soon we are in stitches. In these moments, women are unafraid to be themselves, and it provides a safe, comforting space that I very much enjoy.

I can count on one hand the good, deeper conversations I’ve had with a man in the past little while (I’m single so there is no partner to include in this and I’m not counting previous partners). But in contrast, I’ve had so many interesting, fulfilling conversations with women. One could argue it’s because I mainly keep the company of women and don’t go out of my way to initiate a deeper conversation with a guy. But I do believe that when women get together, they have an instinctive desire to go beneath the surface. It’s a built-in thirst for recognizing the other and wanting to be seen and heard, for building kinship. And we need more of that in today’s world.

 

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And now you can visit their blogs to see how my Seasoned Voices bloggers answered their questions.

Helen from Ageless Possibilities

Joan from W.I.S.E.R. Woman

 

 

 

 

Linda from The Precious Days

Tracy from Travel Bug Tonic