Boundaries - Good or Bad? Or Not that Simple?

 

 
“Good fences make Good Neighbors”

   So goes a line in Robert Frost’s poem ‘Mending Wall’.

The poem is often quoted, often referenced, often misinterpreted as an advocate for creating separations. But the poem also asks:

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

  What I was walling in or walling out”

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I was reminded of the fences line as I sat for two hours at a zoom Annual General Meeting of the condo building where I live. These meetings are tedious and often contentious. I am always surprised at the lack of decorum in a setting where we should all be interested in the common good. And yet, the tone is confrontational, residents pitted against the board or property management or both.

 
What is it about living in close proximity, sharing facilities, that gets people so riled up? True, owners have a right to know how their maintenance fees are being spent, what the plans for upkeep are, why such and such a rule exists.
 
Does it come down to – power and money? The two driving forces in the western world.
 
The board of directors (elected) has the power, behind closed doors, to grant expensive contracts. Property management has the power to dispense these funds and enforce rules. And the residents? They feel left outside in the dark, until such time as the annual statements come out, or an increase in maintenance fees.
 
Is this a community then? And what boundaries exist within it?

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We create boundaries around ourselves, visible or invisible.
 
I create my own boundaries. I do not have close friendships with neighbors on my floor or any of the other floors. I keep mostly to myself, not wanting inopportune knocks on the door. We value privacy very highly in the western world, and yet I didn’t grow up that way.
 
Growing up, we thought nothing of knocking on our neighbors’ doors, entering their apartments, walking into the kitchen to watch mothers cook, or into the living room to watch television because, initially, there was only one apartment that had one. No one was concerned much about privacy or boundaries.
 
But that’s not how it is today, and granted, I am no longer a child. Although even then, I did enjoy quiet moments in a chair or on my top bunk bed, reading a book.  Reading space was sacred.
 
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Boundaries. Do we build boundaries to keep something out, or to hem ourselves in? Guard and protect ourselves?  From what?

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     The poem starts with: “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall”
 
We see a wall, we want to knock it down. Why is it there? We instinctively dislike houses hidden behind large walls which we can’t peer over. And gated communities. Who are they trying to keep out?
 
The idea of ‘community’ is both inclusive and exclusive. If you’re IN the community, you’re Included, you belong. If the community is gated, or EXclusive, you have a slim chance of getting in.
 
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We speak of boundaries as both good and bad. We set boundaries so people don’t cross them and invade our space, our time, or take advantage of us in some way.
We see community as good, but gated community as bad, too exclusive, inclusive to only a privileged few.

Is it good to be inclusive or exclusive? Exclusive means limited, private, restricted, special. Do you want to feel special, to belong, even if the belonging means only to a select group? Does belonging trump other values of inclusivity?  Inclusive means all-encompassing, complete, wide-ranging.

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Do we create fences and boundaries to keep people out (making our little haven exclusive?) Or do we create boundaries to prevent us from being overwhelmed, from being hurt?

And so, I ask myself (and you):  What boundaries have I/you created? And are they walling me/you in? Or walling something out? Something that might very well enhance life.